Wow! I can't believe how much time has passed since I have last blogged... hmmm.
It is already almost the middle of November. Crazy how the time just flies right by you. I have been trying to take a different approach around my idea and views of who I am? It's been a struggle at times and also rewarding at other times. I am finding that I have entered into a sense of calm. Yes, I am not communicating with my adoptive family. Yes, I am trying to find out who I am without these people in my life on a regular basis.
My therapist asked me why I have to have parents? That question was so hard to answer, yet it was easy and made so much sense. We are all a product of two people or in some cases an egg and sperm forming a human being. It takes two to tango! This whole process is amazing to me simple yet so complex. You know we all start somewhere from two lives. In most cases we have a mother who gives birth to us... then we have a parent, parents or guardians who raise us to become adults. Who do you turn to when you are an adult is my question now? As an adult my understanding is that you are supposed to be able to turn to your parents to help you when you do want to be supported. There is a new phase in the relationship between parent and adult child. You see each other differently. You're more on the same level. You tend to understand your parents more because you see them as people too and not as rule enforcers or people who are trying to embarrass you. This I want. I am not sure that this will ever happen for me?
I have recently had a pattern pointed out to me that I was following... I am a tracker of when my parents contact me. I basically judge or criticise them based on how long it's been since we last talked and then I withhold from them. Is this a learned trait? Probably. Is it from my birth parents, the people in the orphange who took care of me, or my adoptive parents? There are a lot of people to try and guess who this behavior has been taken on from. I don't need to know excactly who it is from. I just need to observe when I do it and change that behavior. I know when I am in a relationship I have done it. I judge and then withhold my love. It's part of the push and pull dynamic that happens for me. It's a time of me feeling so incredibly vulnerable and then being afraid, embarrassed or scared that the person won't be accepting of who I am or want to be with me after they witness my "flaws, or vulnerablities. This is sooo frickin scary that it makes me sweat, my heart starts racing and I want to actually run from the situation. I have learned it's okay to stay and not run. It's actually easier to talk about the fact that I do want to run, and know that we can talk through it...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sailing, take me away...
I had a friend in middle school who had just moved to my town. She happened to be living right behind my family's house and because of that the school principal asked me to show around and help my friend feel comfortable. I of course was all the willing. I loved new people cause they were an outsider like I once was... I felt I knew how to help people feel comfortable and to fit in easier. We became summer friends. I think during our school year the group she ended up hanging out with was not my crowd. I didn't like the talking behind someone's back and then acting all friendly to someone's face, I didn't want that for me. I wanted people to let me know how they really felt... I proudly showed her around the school and town to help her get acquainted and settled in. It made me feel really important.
Anyhoo, summer's went by, I would take my friend sailing with me on my boat and we would talk about life. I would teach her how to sail and we did a lot of laughing together... She had the most contaigious laugh and it helped me to survive being me. In fact I find that most of my dear friends have had that type of laugh. We one day went sailing and she asked to use some carmex that came in those containers with the screw top, well the top came off and the heavy container fell into the water... she tried to get it with her hand but it sank pretty quickly... I wasn't worried or upset cause those things happen when you sail... you don't bring anything you can't replace or won't float. She felt really bad and was apologizing over and over... I said it was okay and that I knew what would make us feel better... I pulled out a ziplock bag... she immediately freaked out and asked what I had. I said it's a little debby snack. It is something sweet, sweets always made me feel better and I was sharing one with her, except that this one was really squished, but I knew it would taste just as good and we would most likely forget about the carmex til we needed some more. This is not the end of the story...
I was living in florida and at some point my friend decided to move out and live there, she needed a change cause she didn't want to stay in Wisconsin. She was concerned about her drinking. She had wanted us to live together, I had agreed at first and then I decided it felt too scary cause I knew she was pretty connected with a lot of our old class mates and I didn't want to be in the know of these people that didn't exactly treat me the best. I refused to be talked about. I also was aware of how much she would probably drink and I couldn't handle it. She also was wanting me to live with her and her bf. Another situation I didn't feel comfortable getting into as I had just recently come out to her. I was still exploring what it ment to me. I didn't know her bf and didn't know how safe it would have been for me to stay out. She was also really close with her parents. Our parents were and still are neighboors. I didn't want our parents talking too much about us. I told her that I couldn't do it and she got upset, rightly so. I just knew it was best for me to not get involved and then not be able to move out or have a huge falling out. I did help the best I could with helping her once she got into town. We talked about things and she understood that it probably was for the best that we didn't live together. We hung out quite often in the begining. She did start drinking a lot and I wasn't interested in hanging out as much. This is where it all comes back together...
At some point during this time she admitted to me about two things related to the above stories... The first being that when she first met me for the first week she thought I was a boy and was given special priviledges cause the principal asked for me to show her around. She believed it cause I went into the girls bathroom with her. Then she realized that I was on the role call in her girls gym class and it dawned on her that I was in fact a girl not a boy. I did have short hair above my ears through out middle school.
The next realization was that when we had gone sailing and she saw the white bag... she assumed it was cocaine she was trying to figure out how to tell me that she isn't into cocaine, until she saw me actually eating the little debby snack. It's funny now cause out of our school I really would be seen as the least likely person to ever do cocaine. I guess it also makes sense cause the rumor was my sister was into drugs, and drinking so of course I would have some drugs available to me. It's kind of funny and shows how small of a town I came from.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Reji/rayG, Electronica [ Reji Ravindran, Mumbai ] is ranked #4 in Electronica Music category & #39 in all India Rankings | MyFavDJ.in
I was checking out my first name on the web a while back and came across this Dj... He has my name... it is so awesome to have found his music. I did always want to be a dj... Thanks Reji!
Mumbai ]
is ranked #4 in Electronica Music category & #39 in all India Rankings | MyFavDJ.in
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
being different...
It is HARD to be different... all my life I have been a person that stands out where ever I go... I am different because I am an orphan who doesn't know the first 3 yrs of my life... I am different because I grew up in a place where I was noticed because of my skin color... I am different because I don't have the same parents as my siblings... I am different because I don't feel like I belong anywhere... I am different because I am hurting and you can't see it... I am different because I want to heal from these intense wounds... I am different because I see the world differently than you do... I am different because I don't know what my parents look like... I am different because I ache to know who my birth parents are... I am different because I don't know my birth date... I am different because I don't know my birth story... I am different because I feel so confident when I am around other international adoptees... I am different because I am moving forward while holding the past gently in my hands so I may help you who is trying too move forward... I am different because I love India but I only know you as a dream and desire...
I am different because I crave being with other people who look like me and I can get lost in the sea of colors... I am different because I am loyal... I am different because I am a lesbian... I am different because I am androgynous... I am different because I don't feel any human is better than another human...
I am different because I am into wearing a mustache and a tie... I am different because I always understood who I was, even when others didn't believe me... I am different because I obeyed too well... I am different because I bike everywhere... I am different because I have lived a different life than you... I may be different, but you know what? I sure like you!
I am different because I crave being with other people who look like me and I can get lost in the sea of colors... I am different because I am loyal... I am different because I am a lesbian... I am different because I am androgynous... I am different because I don't feel any human is better than another human...
I am different because I am into wearing a mustache and a tie... I am different because I always understood who I was, even when others didn't believe me... I am different because I obeyed too well... I am different because I bike everywhere... I am different because I have lived a different life than you... I may be different, but you know what? I sure like you!
oh my ganesh....
I have started 2 different posts already and I seem to be having a hard time submitting them. They don't seem to entirely fall into what it is I am wanting to say... I just need to keep up with getting my posts out. I want to do that but then I start to write and everything seems on the surface and not really worth blogging about.
I am going to start with where I am at... Tonight I had a visit with a good friend's girlfriend. This friend is so dear to me. She has helped me to understand so much more of who I am becoming. To be able to meet with my dear friend's girlfriend this evening was amazing. I am not using names so I will call her, foot or so... because she is a foot or so taller than me. :) Foot or so is someone who surprised me by her family structure. She is a sibling of adoptees. She has done her research on adoption and what it looks like to be a good support for a family member who is adopted. Wow, I am so blown away and happy to have had the time to connect and hear her story around adoption too. She has helped me to realize that it can be so easy to get stuck in my own thoughts and experiences around my story. I know and believe that everyone has a different insight and view. I guess when it comes to pain, no ones is truly more or less... Pain is pain and it hurts...
Ahhhh beautiful! It is an almost full moon outside. The rain has begun to fall.
I was recounting a couple of stories tonight to foot or so that I know I would love to blog about. I will at some point. For now I guess I am learning that my experience holds a lot of pain and confusion. Some maybe is pretty sensible in my own head, some of the pain just comes from my heart, and some from my soul. One thing that comes to mind for me is that I used to be able to take naps. I stopped at some point because I used to wake up and miss my mother... I can't tell you if it was my adoptive mother or my birth mother... I think it was more just the idea of a mother. The pain was so intense that it was hard for me to shake the feeling of missing this woman. I look back now and realize that I am angry that I missed being raised by my birth mother. I am sad that I didn't have a mother who I could go to and crawl into her arms and have her just hold me and tell me that I am okay and lovable. That even though this is hard I will be okay. My adoptive mother would have probably done that for me if I had gone to her, but I choose not to. I didn't know if she could hold that space for me. If it was okay to talk to her about how I wanted to know my biological family. Adoption issues don't go away. It is something that stays with an adoptee for a life time. I know that I am an adult now and I can live my life the way I choose to. It is hard to remember that when the times of remembering come creeping back and I can't get out of my body memory to understand why it hurts so bad to not know...
I am at a place in my life where I am not communicating with my parents because I have so much anger. I don't know what to say to them? I don't know how to be anything else other than who I am. I can't be anyone else and I can't keep putting myself in positions of vulnerability just to try and save what I think is supposed to happen just because we are "family". I feel I have tried over and over again. I feel that there is just a little bit too little that has happened and now it is too late.
I feel a sense of abandonment once again. Fuck! That hurts, is confusing and leaves me feeling lonely. Only this time I am the one who is abandoning them. I am doing it to protect myself from any further hurt I may be exposing myself to from them. I feel like they sometimes don't really know or understand when they do hurt me. I can list a lot of things but it does no good to go thru a list of hurts here right now.
I know it is hard for someone to hold a space to witness anyone who is going thru so much pain. Sometimes just knowing someone is next to you and breathing with their arms around you is enough to help the pain work it's way thru. When I am in those intense spaces I feel I want to push that person away because I know it is a lot for them to witness and I fear that they will reject me because of what an intense place it is for both of us. At the same time I want them close to me because I don't want them to leave me. It's the times when I know I need to take some space to take care of myself. It can be really hard to ask for both. It's the push, pull dynamic. I am working this out.
I am going thru some intense changes. I am getting my ducks in order and making myself a priority. It feels empowering! It makes me feel annoyed that it has taken me so long. According to the sweet lady who has now named me bubblegum, . I am looking forward to starting now and making those gaps smaller and connect up so I can get to the place I want to be. Leaving anger behind and moving forward to be the light that shines within me.
I am going to start with where I am at... Tonight I had a visit with a good friend's girlfriend. This friend is so dear to me. She has helped me to understand so much more of who I am becoming. To be able to meet with my dear friend's girlfriend this evening was amazing. I am not using names so I will call her, foot or so... because she is a foot or so taller than me. :) Foot or so is someone who surprised me by her family structure. She is a sibling of adoptees. She has done her research on adoption and what it looks like to be a good support for a family member who is adopted. Wow, I am so blown away and happy to have had the time to connect and hear her story around adoption too. She has helped me to realize that it can be so easy to get stuck in my own thoughts and experiences around my story. I know and believe that everyone has a different insight and view. I guess when it comes to pain, no ones is truly more or less... Pain is pain and it hurts...
Ahhhh beautiful! It is an almost full moon outside. The rain has begun to fall.
I was recounting a couple of stories tonight to foot or so that I know I would love to blog about. I will at some point. For now I guess I am learning that my experience holds a lot of pain and confusion. Some maybe is pretty sensible in my own head, some of the pain just comes from my heart, and some from my soul. One thing that comes to mind for me is that I used to be able to take naps. I stopped at some point because I used to wake up and miss my mother... I can't tell you if it was my adoptive mother or my birth mother... I think it was more just the idea of a mother. The pain was so intense that it was hard for me to shake the feeling of missing this woman. I look back now and realize that I am angry that I missed being raised by my birth mother. I am sad that I didn't have a mother who I could go to and crawl into her arms and have her just hold me and tell me that I am okay and lovable. That even though this is hard I will be okay. My adoptive mother would have probably done that for me if I had gone to her, but I choose not to. I didn't know if she could hold that space for me. If it was okay to talk to her about how I wanted to know my biological family. Adoption issues don't go away. It is something that stays with an adoptee for a life time. I know that I am an adult now and I can live my life the way I choose to. It is hard to remember that when the times of remembering come creeping back and I can't get out of my body memory to understand why it hurts so bad to not know...
I am at a place in my life where I am not communicating with my parents because I have so much anger. I don't know what to say to them? I don't know how to be anything else other than who I am. I can't be anyone else and I can't keep putting myself in positions of vulnerability just to try and save what I think is supposed to happen just because we are "family". I feel I have tried over and over again. I feel that there is just a little bit too little that has happened and now it is too late.
I feel a sense of abandonment once again. Fuck! That hurts, is confusing and leaves me feeling lonely. Only this time I am the one who is abandoning them. I am doing it to protect myself from any further hurt I may be exposing myself to from them. I feel like they sometimes don't really know or understand when they do hurt me. I can list a lot of things but it does no good to go thru a list of hurts here right now.
I know it is hard for someone to hold a space to witness anyone who is going thru so much pain. Sometimes just knowing someone is next to you and breathing with their arms around you is enough to help the pain work it's way thru. When I am in those intense spaces I feel I want to push that person away because I know it is a lot for them to witness and I fear that they will reject me because of what an intense place it is for both of us. At the same time I want them close to me because I don't want them to leave me. It's the times when I know I need to take some space to take care of myself. It can be really hard to ask for both. It's the push, pull dynamic. I am working this out.
I am going thru some intense changes. I am getting my ducks in order and making myself a priority. It feels empowering! It makes me feel annoyed that it has taken me so long. According to the sweet lady who has now named me bubblegum, . I am looking forward to starting now and making those gaps smaller and connect up so I can get to the place I want to be. Leaving anger behind and moving forward to be the light that shines within me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
POV - In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee | PBS
This is very interesting... I read the comments that were posted and agreed with some and was floored by others... I am looking forward to watching this documentary...
Intuitive thoughts...
It's been around me this morning... I have been thinking about how I am bad about eating throughout my day and more so at breakfast. Sometimes it just feels too hard to even think about chewing the food or I just get so sidetracked and starving that by the time i want to eat I am not motivated enough to eat then. I know most people say that they have the opposite. My friend A texted me and asked me to eat breakfast for her because she has to have surgery today and can't eat. I responded and said yes! Right after that friend B texted and said "remember to eat today." Awesome!
I really love when that stuff happens. It tends to happen quite a bit. I find that a lot of times my lady love and I are thinking about the same things. I am wondering if I am just really in tune with her at times that those thoughts just flow into my mind. I find that that happens quite a bit with us. It makes me laugh when we realize we had the same thing on our mind.
For a while a friend of mine and I would have each other on our mind and then that friend would call me or I would call them. It was interesting even more so because it was as if our lives were running parallel to each other and we were going thru some of the same experiences and trying to figure out how to work thru them.
There is a funny thing that happens with me... I live in a town where things are very accessible. As in I have been thinking of things I might need or want for my apartment, myself or something my friend mentioned they may need or want and then they are available to me. Sometimes it takes a few weeks or months for them to appear but then they do... it's stuff that I find that's been thrown out around town.
Boulder is a pretty big college town. People come and go all the time. When they go they leave lots of stuff they don't need behind. Behind as in, in a dumpster or next to it. I will admit at one point in my life I didn't mind climbing into the dumpster to check it out... I am telling you it is amazing the things people throw out! Beaker drinking glasses all packed up nicely. Perfectly, intact and useable things... I have thought many times over of starting a business of the things people throw away. I stop myself because I don't really want to end up on hoarders on TLC. That would just be awkward. I have thought of making art out of some of it. I have actually done that... Pictures that get thrown out you can just repaint over. Amazing! I know I get pretty excited about this. I found about 3 brooms someone threw out. It was great because I asked a friend if they wanted one of the brooms and at first they looked at me like I was a little off... then they thought about it and realized they were wanting a broom for winter to brush off their truck.
I once found a stuffed toy kitten that was on my walk to working with a little girl... I had been thinking about wanting to get her something... that kitty was dirty and in the ditch... hmmm I wonder what that kitty was up to the night before? Sippin a little too much gin Kitty? I checked around to see if it would have been from a nearby house of a youngster. Nope. The kitty went with me and given to my precious little friend of 1 1/2yrs... we soaked that kitty in a nice hot soapy bath, gave her some good "food" and love, then threw her in the wash, the little girl was so upset that I had to avert her attention til the kitty was dried and ready for play. I happened to run into her at the library about a half of year after I stopped working with her. I was with my other little friend of 1 1/2 yrs. She happened to have her kitty with her! It was so fun to see her and the kitty. She said it's one of her favorite toys. P.s. I have had a couple of little kid friends that I've taken care of name their stuffed animals after me. I feel pretty honored about that. I makes up for not finding my name on those name stickers. I always settled for superstar.
I feel like a lot of things happen when I am paying attention to what is around me. I have had lots of fun interactions like that.
I really love when that stuff happens. It tends to happen quite a bit. I find that a lot of times my lady love and I are thinking about the same things. I am wondering if I am just really in tune with her at times that those thoughts just flow into my mind. I find that that happens quite a bit with us. It makes me laugh when we realize we had the same thing on our mind.
For a while a friend of mine and I would have each other on our mind and then that friend would call me or I would call them. It was interesting even more so because it was as if our lives were running parallel to each other and we were going thru some of the same experiences and trying to figure out how to work thru them.
There is a funny thing that happens with me... I live in a town where things are very accessible. As in I have been thinking of things I might need or want for my apartment, myself or something my friend mentioned they may need or want and then they are available to me. Sometimes it takes a few weeks or months for them to appear but then they do... it's stuff that I find that's been thrown out around town.
Boulder is a pretty big college town. People come and go all the time. When they go they leave lots of stuff they don't need behind. Behind as in, in a dumpster or next to it. I will admit at one point in my life I didn't mind climbing into the dumpster to check it out... I am telling you it is amazing the things people throw out! Beaker drinking glasses all packed up nicely. Perfectly, intact and useable things... I have thought many times over of starting a business of the things people throw away. I stop myself because I don't really want to end up on hoarders on TLC. That would just be awkward. I have thought of making art out of some of it. I have actually done that... Pictures that get thrown out you can just repaint over. Amazing! I know I get pretty excited about this. I found about 3 brooms someone threw out. It was great because I asked a friend if they wanted one of the brooms and at first they looked at me like I was a little off... then they thought about it and realized they were wanting a broom for winter to brush off their truck.
I once found a stuffed toy kitten that was on my walk to working with a little girl... I had been thinking about wanting to get her something... that kitty was dirty and in the ditch... hmmm I wonder what that kitty was up to the night before? Sippin a little too much gin Kitty? I checked around to see if it would have been from a nearby house of a youngster. Nope. The kitty went with me and given to my precious little friend of 1 1/2yrs... we soaked that kitty in a nice hot soapy bath, gave her some good "food" and love, then threw her in the wash, the little girl was so upset that I had to avert her attention til the kitty was dried and ready for play. I happened to run into her at the library about a half of year after I stopped working with her. I was with my other little friend of 1 1/2 yrs. She happened to have her kitty with her! It was so fun to see her and the kitty. She said it's one of her favorite toys. P.s. I have had a couple of little kid friends that I've taken care of name their stuffed animals after me. I feel pretty honored about that. I makes up for not finding my name on those name stickers. I always settled for superstar.
I feel like a lot of things happen when I am paying attention to what is around me. I have had lots of fun interactions like that.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Time to go back to a therapist...
Hmmmm, who will be the lucky therapist that I get to start doing some work with? I have gone to therapy for at least 4yrs. I went on a regular basis about 2 yrs back then I stopped. I can be pretty good at finding self help books or magazines and apply the DIY method...
I admit I have a difficult time with seeing myself pay so much money to figure things out when I could easily read about something and then put it into place.
I like to go to therapy because I really do enjoy learning about how we function in life. I like to figure out how people cope with issues. I enjoy gaining that insight as to why we do what we do and when we do it.
It is a jumbled mess that gets to start to unravel and become untangled. I believe that it is important to continue with the untangling and unraveling periodically to recalibrate yourself. To remember what tools you were given to use at the specific time.
We are amazing beings in the way of how we hold so much information to how we want to be, but yet we tend to get in our own way.
Our minds can jumble information or our day to day workings and struggles tend to jam up the circuits. We get old information mixed in with new information. It can be a funny little predicament we see ourselves in.
I know a lot of my issues are dealing with adoption, which can fall into the same workings as attachment issues, grief, loss and bereavement, identity issues, isolation, trauma... those are the main issues that I can identify with for now... I do feel there are some more in there that I can work on. Oh yes, LGBT issues.
I know that our bodies are great holders of memories in our cells. We can store things in our cells for years and wonder where those feelings or thoughts came from that felt as if they came out of nowhere.
When I turned 29, I hit the astrological term "Saturn return." It is a place that I tend to describe as the place where you put your "stuff" you don't want to deal with on a shelf and that shelf has crashed down behind you and now you have to deal with it weather you really wanted to or not. Now, the "stuff" has been accumulated over lots and lots of years. It crashes around you and you yelp " oh FU@K! I thought I got rid of you!
In being in relationships I have come to learn that if you have reoccurring "stuff" that comes up for you it is definitely your "stuff" you need to deal with. The other person maybe has nothing to do with it except just being the person who is standing closest to you. You tend to grab that person cause you are still in shock that it fell and say "here's the broom, you clean it up please?" That doesn't work cause it will come back to make you clean it up later when you really don't want it to. Dang it!
I choose to go to a therapist and have them help me figure out how to deal with the mess. Sometimes the mess is so dark even flashlights can't quite light it up enough. Other times the light comes on the minute you walk in the door and you wonder why you needed to come in. Either way it is about taking care of yourself. Growing, understanding and learning about yourself fully and authentically.
All of that being said... it is time for me to go back to a therapist! Wish me luck and send me those happy place thoughts!
I admit I have a difficult time with seeing myself pay so much money to figure things out when I could easily read about something and then put it into place.
I like to go to therapy because I really do enjoy learning about how we function in life. I like to figure out how people cope with issues. I enjoy gaining that insight as to why we do what we do and when we do it.
It is a jumbled mess that gets to start to unravel and become untangled. I believe that it is important to continue with the untangling and unraveling periodically to recalibrate yourself. To remember what tools you were given to use at the specific time.
We are amazing beings in the way of how we hold so much information to how we want to be, but yet we tend to get in our own way.
Our minds can jumble information or our day to day workings and struggles tend to jam up the circuits. We get old information mixed in with new information. It can be a funny little predicament we see ourselves in.
I know a lot of my issues are dealing with adoption, which can fall into the same workings as attachment issues, grief, loss and bereavement, identity issues, isolation, trauma... those are the main issues that I can identify with for now... I do feel there are some more in there that I can work on. Oh yes, LGBT issues.
I know that our bodies are great holders of memories in our cells. We can store things in our cells for years and wonder where those feelings or thoughts came from that felt as if they came out of nowhere.
When I turned 29, I hit the astrological term "Saturn return." It is a place that I tend to describe as the place where you put your "stuff" you don't want to deal with on a shelf and that shelf has crashed down behind you and now you have to deal with it weather you really wanted to or not. Now, the "stuff" has been accumulated over lots and lots of years. It crashes around you and you yelp " oh FU@K! I thought I got rid of you!
In being in relationships I have come to learn that if you have reoccurring "stuff" that comes up for you it is definitely your "stuff" you need to deal with. The other person maybe has nothing to do with it except just being the person who is standing closest to you. You tend to grab that person cause you are still in shock that it fell and say "here's the broom, you clean it up please?" That doesn't work cause it will come back to make you clean it up later when you really don't want it to. Dang it!
I choose to go to a therapist and have them help me figure out how to deal with the mess. Sometimes the mess is so dark even flashlights can't quite light it up enough. Other times the light comes on the minute you walk in the door and you wonder why you needed to come in. Either way it is about taking care of yourself. Growing, understanding and learning about yourself fully and authentically.
All of that being said... it is time for me to go back to a therapist! Wish me luck and send me those happy place thoughts!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Yummmmm Coffee...
YUMMMM Coffee.... coffee with sugar, and cream... I like my coffee like I like my women... err woman... sweet and light. I know that is probably one of the worst lines to say! I really like it and it really makes me laugh to myself so I will continue to use it til my woman or someone tells me that it is really old and I should stop using it!
I like to say things that are funny to me... I tend to realize that I can easily crack myself up and maybe sometimes for longer than necessary. It's sometimes just the simple things that make me happy and keep me laughing even if it is just to myself.
Anyways, I like coffee and tea for the taste and also the ritual aspect that goes along with it. There is something in the act of preparing coffee or tea. Adding milk and sugar and then enjoying the first thru last sips and the awaking that follows. Very pleasant!
I have discovered that I drink and fix up my coffee like a proper southern Indian should. Lots of cream and sugar. It was exciting for me to hear that I have followed suit even being a great distance away from the Indian soil...
This weekend was a bit of a crazy weekend. Energetically it felt like there was a strong force that wanted to collide together. My friend and I were driving to our dancing that we do and we had a near miss. She handled the situation amazingly and neither one of us or the car were injured. She also shifted something huge in the way of accidents.
It was LGBT pride weekend in Boulder. It is always an interesting event that happens. I am glad it happens, but there is something about it that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Maybe it's the fact that is in the center of downtown. People from all over come and visit. I think it is the exposing of and being so vulnerable to the public and wondering how safe of a space we are in. We are most likely safe in the way of physical space, but I don't feel safe to the comments that passerby's say. I heard one person say " This is just an event that happens once in a while." That comment made me feel defensive and disheartened. It is frustrating that it is a day or event that "allows" for the public to let us be gathering in a big group in public. I am ready to feel comfortable in my skin. I have a ways to get to before that happens. Society does too. I know that it is only fair for all people be treated with love and respect above and beyond anything else. It felt like an off day for me. I have realized the last few prides have felt off for me because it's a bittersweet day. A day of gathering together and being in community with other LGBT's. It is great to run into friends and acquaintances you haven't seen in a while. It is hard to think about the fact that we are considered unequal in some people's eyes based on it being a person of the same sex we love.
It's interesting because what came up for me was that I had to hide that I was a Lesbian for about 20 yrs before I came out. It was hard and scary to hide for so long. For the most part I haven't had many people harass me to my face. It is the looks you get. Then it's the voices in the back of my mind of people who used to speak so negatively about GLBT people before I was out. I am working on trying to get those voices out and listen to my heart and what my truth is. Society has a ways to go before accepting it and being more aware. I think it is true that ignorance equals fear. Education and exposure is the key here. It is happening. I saw an awesome commercial for using the term "that's so gay." It is making people aware of the fact that it isn't a good phrase to use anymore. Yeee haaa! I like it!
I had a great experience at a Drag King show. It was so amazing to see other preformer's dancing and looking like the opposite sex. It was inspiring to say the least. I love the whole concept and idea of gender role playing. I actually really love to wear a fake mustache around or when I do go to a queer event. There is something about wearing a disguise and making people do double takes or think twice. I would like to practice a bollywood song and have 12 dancers behind me singing right along! I think it would be a blast for all.
I like to say things that are funny to me... I tend to realize that I can easily crack myself up and maybe sometimes for longer than necessary. It's sometimes just the simple things that make me happy and keep me laughing even if it is just to myself.
Anyways, I like coffee and tea for the taste and also the ritual aspect that goes along with it. There is something in the act of preparing coffee or tea. Adding milk and sugar and then enjoying the first thru last sips and the awaking that follows. Very pleasant!
I have discovered that I drink and fix up my coffee like a proper southern Indian should. Lots of cream and sugar. It was exciting for me to hear that I have followed suit even being a great distance away from the Indian soil...
This weekend was a bit of a crazy weekend. Energetically it felt like there was a strong force that wanted to collide together. My friend and I were driving to our dancing that we do and we had a near miss. She handled the situation amazingly and neither one of us or the car were injured. She also shifted something huge in the way of accidents.
It was LGBT pride weekend in Boulder. It is always an interesting event that happens. I am glad it happens, but there is something about it that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Maybe it's the fact that is in the center of downtown. People from all over come and visit. I think it is the exposing of and being so vulnerable to the public and wondering how safe of a space we are in. We are most likely safe in the way of physical space, but I don't feel safe to the comments that passerby's say. I heard one person say " This is just an event that happens once in a while." That comment made me feel defensive and disheartened. It is frustrating that it is a day or event that "allows" for the public to let us be gathering in a big group in public. I am ready to feel comfortable in my skin. I have a ways to get to before that happens. Society does too. I know that it is only fair for all people be treated with love and respect above and beyond anything else. It felt like an off day for me. I have realized the last few prides have felt off for me because it's a bittersweet day. A day of gathering together and being in community with other LGBT's. It is great to run into friends and acquaintances you haven't seen in a while. It is hard to think about the fact that we are considered unequal in some people's eyes based on it being a person of the same sex we love.
It's interesting because what came up for me was that I had to hide that I was a Lesbian for about 20 yrs before I came out. It was hard and scary to hide for so long. For the most part I haven't had many people harass me to my face. It is the looks you get. Then it's the voices in the back of my mind of people who used to speak so negatively about GLBT people before I was out. I am working on trying to get those voices out and listen to my heart and what my truth is. Society has a ways to go before accepting it and being more aware. I think it is true that ignorance equals fear. Education and exposure is the key here. It is happening. I saw an awesome commercial for using the term "that's so gay." It is making people aware of the fact that it isn't a good phrase to use anymore. Yeee haaa! I like it!
I had a great experience at a Drag King show. It was so amazing to see other preformer's dancing and looking like the opposite sex. It was inspiring to say the least. I love the whole concept and idea of gender role playing. I actually really love to wear a fake mustache around or when I do go to a queer event. There is something about wearing a disguise and making people do double takes or think twice. I would like to practice a bollywood song and have 12 dancers behind me singing right along! I think it would be a blast for all.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Adoptee Searches...
I am looking around the internet trying to find searches for Indian adoptees. I keep seeing information about families who are adopting a child from India. I know they exsist. I guess maybe they are still young. I know I am in the group of some of the oldest adoptees from India. Some of these families I came across already have biological children of their own.
Okay interesting... interesting, as in a watching myself get annoyed by the fact that so many caucasian families are adopting interracial children. Interesting as in a where the hell is the information for adoptees to have?
It's as if support is easily available for the parents that are adopting a child. Rarely, it seems that there is information which seems easily accessible to adult adoptees. We need support and guidance outside of our families too. Is it that we have to rely on each other to support one another when we are struggling?
As a kid I was part of an adoption group that was formed by a couple of parents. My adoptive mother included. (she did what she could to help me not feel so terribly isolated from my roots.) This was a group of mostly Indian adoptees and their families which were made up of a range of family styles. ( biological, adopted nationally, internationally adopted, and step children) We got together several times through out the year. More the younger we were and less the older we got. This was more of a social time for all the families to get together and hang out with each other. I remember it being a special time when I was younger, because I was so excited to see my Indian friends that were also adopted and felt comfortable to be with them.
A couple of my friends that were a part of the group had also been in the orphange with me. It was an amazing feeling to be with someone who made that long and incredible journey right alongside me. I remember when one of my favorite friends Sarah Merlie had grown away from the group or stopped going. It was sad to not have her attend and I cherished the photos even more that we had of us together.
I got older and the group came to be more of a group where we were living in different cities throughout WI and having physical space between us, while having similar life experiences and confusions. I remember a time when I was listening to a friend talk about a confusion they were experiencing and realizing " oh wait, I totally know what you are talking about. Wow I am not the only one." It was a time when we got to be teens and share things we didn't dare share with anyone who wasn't adopted or Indian. It also was a bit too religious for me. It was following too much of the Lutheran church and not including that of Indian religions or traditions. I am sure they tried but how would they know they had their American perspectives on India.
Okay, I realized that you don't know much of my adoptive families background... there is a part of me that doesn't want to talk about it because I am choosing to not talk to my adoptive family... mostly my parents right now. I need to take a break from being vulnerable with them and take care of my needs. Long story short I have witnessed what amazing parents they are to their biological children. I don't feel they knew or know how to be my parents. I have always felt pretty independent from them at a young age. They are parents who are good with dealing with my adoptive siblings problems and chaos. I feel I was pretty far under the radar and became a bit unnoticed, then finally not noticed at all.
They continue to tell me they love me and care about me. I continue to play the hey notice me now game? Notice how long it's been since you haven't talked to the child you chose? Notice the cuts I have on my arm from the pain of you not noticing me? Notice the way my heart breaks when you say something negative about India? Ya that's right your busy noticing how ungrateful I am for not noticing that you rescued me from a life that would have been horrible. You don't know that? Maybe your not thinking that? Maybe you are missing me...? Maybe it is too late for us to have a relationship because too much hardening has occurred to my heart from constantly putting myself out there and being hurt by the people who love me.
Anyways, that was longer than intended and it isn't the full description of my family. I was raised by a family in WI. Mother, Father, older brother (Step from father's previous marriage), older sister, me, younger brother, younger sister. All of the kids excluding me are biological to my adoptive parents. I have lots of extended relatives on both sides. Currently I am not really in contact with many of them. It is easier this way right now.
Needless to say having a lot of support as an Indian adoptee would have been great. I grew up in a small town in Wisconsin. Sturgeon Bay. Among lots of small town people. Closed minds against race, gender, sexual preference, religion, and just about most things I felt I was. I was soooo scared to show these people who I really was. I was fortunate enough to find some people that really helped me to understand that I am amazing and perfectly okay the way I am.
I am still searching for information on support to adult adoptees and International adoptees so if any of you come across some info that may seem to be of benefit please share! -
Okay interesting... interesting, as in a watching myself get annoyed by the fact that so many caucasian families are adopting interracial children. Interesting as in a where the hell is the information for adoptees to have?
It's as if support is easily available for the parents that are adopting a child. Rarely, it seems that there is information which seems easily accessible to adult adoptees. We need support and guidance outside of our families too. Is it that we have to rely on each other to support one another when we are struggling?
As a kid I was part of an adoption group that was formed by a couple of parents. My adoptive mother included. (she did what she could to help me not feel so terribly isolated from my roots.) This was a group of mostly Indian adoptees and their families which were made up of a range of family styles. ( biological, adopted nationally, internationally adopted, and step children) We got together several times through out the year. More the younger we were and less the older we got. This was more of a social time for all the families to get together and hang out with each other. I remember it being a special time when I was younger, because I was so excited to see my Indian friends that were also adopted and felt comfortable to be with them.
A couple of my friends that were a part of the group had also been in the orphange with me. It was an amazing feeling to be with someone who made that long and incredible journey right alongside me. I remember when one of my favorite friends Sarah Merlie had grown away from the group or stopped going. It was sad to not have her attend and I cherished the photos even more that we had of us together.
I got older and the group came to be more of a group where we were living in different cities throughout WI and having physical space between us, while having similar life experiences and confusions. I remember a time when I was listening to a friend talk about a confusion they were experiencing and realizing " oh wait, I totally know what you are talking about. Wow I am not the only one." It was a time when we got to be teens and share things we didn't dare share with anyone who wasn't adopted or Indian. It also was a bit too religious for me. It was following too much of the Lutheran church and not including that of Indian religions or traditions. I am sure they tried but how would they know they had their American perspectives on India.
Okay, I realized that you don't know much of my adoptive families background... there is a part of me that doesn't want to talk about it because I am choosing to not talk to my adoptive family... mostly my parents right now. I need to take a break from being vulnerable with them and take care of my needs. Long story short I have witnessed what amazing parents they are to their biological children. I don't feel they knew or know how to be my parents. I have always felt pretty independent from them at a young age. They are parents who are good with dealing with my adoptive siblings problems and chaos. I feel I was pretty far under the radar and became a bit unnoticed, then finally not noticed at all.
They continue to tell me they love me and care about me. I continue to play the hey notice me now game? Notice how long it's been since you haven't talked to the child you chose? Notice the cuts I have on my arm from the pain of you not noticing me? Notice the way my heart breaks when you say something negative about India? Ya that's right your busy noticing how ungrateful I am for not noticing that you rescued me from a life that would have been horrible. You don't know that? Maybe your not thinking that? Maybe you are missing me...? Maybe it is too late for us to have a relationship because too much hardening has occurred to my heart from constantly putting myself out there and being hurt by the people who love me.
Anyways, that was longer than intended and it isn't the full description of my family. I was raised by a family in WI. Mother, Father, older brother (Step from father's previous marriage), older sister, me, younger brother, younger sister. All of the kids excluding me are biological to my adoptive parents. I have lots of extended relatives on both sides. Currently I am not really in contact with many of them. It is easier this way right now.
Needless to say having a lot of support as an Indian adoptee would have been great. I grew up in a small town in Wisconsin. Sturgeon Bay. Among lots of small town people. Closed minds against race, gender, sexual preference, religion, and just about most things I felt I was. I was soooo scared to show these people who I really was. I was fortunate enough to find some people that really helped me to understand that I am amazing and perfectly okay the way I am.
I am still searching for information on support to adult adoptees and International adoptees so if any of you come across some info that may seem to be of benefit please share! -
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
To The Shore (Pathaan's Ray Of Sunshine Remix)
I love the music produced by the group called Bombay Dub Orchestra. This music sings to my heart and makes me remember what my dream is...
It is time to make this dream a reality. I can't do it by myself anymore, I am asking others help me create this dream. I am looking for a person to help me document my return trip to Kerala as an adult with more awareness of what adoption really means. I would also love to get a book out about my story. I am also looking for ways and or ideas to fund this journey.
I am scared to expose myself so fully, yet I understand it is what is being asked of me. If this means others get to see the pain that I am going thru and have experienced then I will be honored to be naked and vulnerable so that you can heal too. Because I know I am a mirror for someone else out there.
I remember being a kid and thinking about how amazing it would have been to have an Indian adult role model to look up to and teach me the ways of Indian culture. I am talking about someone who was tangible and able to embrace me fully. I always felt a sense of being a fake or fraud because I didn't feel completely Indian, by way of not fully understanding some of the rituals or traditions that occurred. I felt like a sham when it came to the american culture that I was "adopted" into because I knew there was something noticeably different about me. Besides my obvious skin color. I knew things on a level that I can't explain why or how I knew them. I just did. Example is "my body is a temple, it is to be treated with respect. I didn't argue with the thoughts that came up I just listened to them.
I know I haven't mentioned my dream yet so I will do it here... I once dreamt that I was standing on top of a roof that I knew was my house in India. I was wearing a sari and the wind was blowing. ( I know, very bollywood style) I remember seeing myself looking happy and content knowing that I created this reality for myself and others. That reality was a home in Kerala where other adoptees from Kerala could come to and do what ever it was they wanted to do. Explore their roots. Search for their parents weather or not they actually found them. ( Not be told to just forget about it... or that they were given a better life and are much better off where they are.) I created a space where the community around the home and throughout the city embraced us adoptees. It was a home where we finally were able to feel free to just be ourselves and feel like we belong somewhere. We were finally part of the whole somewhere in our lives.
My other dream I had within that same week was where I was flying back to India for a visit. I was so excited and happy. I remember then having landed and was at a beach. I was crying really hard and felt so happy to be on Indian soil again. I reached down and rubbed sand all over me. I was crying because I was happy and so sad for having been away for so long. I felt all the moments of having missed India flood back to me on that beach. I was feeling such strong extreme emotions on that beach.
These dreams remind me of how important my work is to get back to India and really make this happen. I don't want my fears or insecurities keep me from this dream any longer.
It is time to make this dream a reality. I can't do it by myself anymore, I am asking others help me create this dream. I am looking for a person to help me document my return trip to Kerala as an adult with more awareness of what adoption really means. I would also love to get a book out about my story. I am also looking for ways and or ideas to fund this journey.
I am scared to expose myself so fully, yet I understand it is what is being asked of me. If this means others get to see the pain that I am going thru and have experienced then I will be honored to be naked and vulnerable so that you can heal too. Because I know I am a mirror for someone else out there.
I remember being a kid and thinking about how amazing it would have been to have an Indian adult role model to look up to and teach me the ways of Indian culture. I am talking about someone who was tangible and able to embrace me fully. I always felt a sense of being a fake or fraud because I didn't feel completely Indian, by way of not fully understanding some of the rituals or traditions that occurred. I felt like a sham when it came to the american culture that I was "adopted" into because I knew there was something noticeably different about me. Besides my obvious skin color. I knew things on a level that I can't explain why or how I knew them. I just did. Example is "my body is a temple, it is to be treated with respect. I didn't argue with the thoughts that came up I just listened to them.
I know I haven't mentioned my dream yet so I will do it here... I once dreamt that I was standing on top of a roof that I knew was my house in India. I was wearing a sari and the wind was blowing. ( I know, very bollywood style) I remember seeing myself looking happy and content knowing that I created this reality for myself and others. That reality was a home in Kerala where other adoptees from Kerala could come to and do what ever it was they wanted to do. Explore their roots. Search for their parents weather or not they actually found them. ( Not be told to just forget about it... or that they were given a better life and are much better off where they are.) I created a space where the community around the home and throughout the city embraced us adoptees. It was a home where we finally were able to feel free to just be ourselves and feel like we belong somewhere. We were finally part of the whole somewhere in our lives.
My other dream I had within that same week was where I was flying back to India for a visit. I was so excited and happy. I remember then having landed and was at a beach. I was crying really hard and felt so happy to be on Indian soil again. I reached down and rubbed sand all over me. I was crying because I was happy and so sad for having been away for so long. I felt all the moments of having missed India flood back to me on that beach. I was feeling such strong extreme emotions on that beach.
These dreams remind me of how important my work is to get back to India and really make this happen. I don't want my fears or insecurities keep me from this dream any longer.
Airplanes & helicopters flying overhead...
There was a lot that happened during my day... I would say the most regular thing that happened was that every 15 min to half hour there were either airplanes or helicopters flying over head. It was hard to resist watching them all. They were so incredibly loud. The way the propellers chopped thru the air above from the planes. The tin cans soaring overhead with speed on a mission to put out the fires. A direct flight path to the fires that were still burning behind Boulder. The helicopters blades chopping thru the sky making it hard to know precisely where they are located. To the east? No to the south, or wait I hear them hiding out behind these huge trees... but where are they? OH there it is... Snap that is loud... it was an erie feeling mixed with sadness of the fires burning and the homes burned down, people and animals displaced. Smoke filling the air which fills the lungs and stings the throat and burns the eyes. Throughout the day it started to disperse and clear up. The coolest thing was that by the end of the day it clouded over with real clouds and rained... before the sun set there was a rainbow to the east... a double rainbow. A sign of healing for all that lost homes and the land that was burned.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Fires behind boulder...
A Fire started at 10:30 am yesterday. Since Last night at least 3,000 acres have been burned by fire! This is quite sad & devastating to me... It feels sad because this is my playground. It is devastating because all of those trees we need have been burned. There is smoke throughout the city. There is still a thick cloud behind the foothills. So thick now that you can't see the foothills to know weather or not it is still burning? My guess is that it is.
The report is that a dozen homes have been damaged or burned down completely. Some people were at their homes and were evacuated and able to grab some things that were valuable to them. Pets, photos,
social security card, important documents. Others were trying to make it back up to get these valuable things from their homes. When I think about this fire and the damage left behind I feel bad for the people who's homes were burned down. Ganesh, what do you do when you know there is a fire approaching and you only have so much time and room to grab things that are valuable?
I have a bicycle for transportation, so It would be my bag that I have on my persons daily, which contains my coffee mug, (non- spill-able), my wallet with social security card, (it happens to be laminted because I once worked some place where I could laminate cards thinking this would be the best card to laminate only to read after wards that it says right on the back "do not Laminate") Well if I get "sent back to India" we will all know the real reason why! My license and debit card are also in my wallet. A few dollars for the bus, some farmer's market bucks, and a couple of random business cards, along with my own for post partum doula.
Also in my bag is my journal, a book, a budget book, a couple of pens, small bottle of pills for headaches, band-aids, small bottle of lotion, I- pod and some other small odds and ends. Oh yeah some trail mix for when I need some fuel. This brings me to realize how I am a person who likes to be prepared. You never know how long you may have to wait for a bus or just need something? I used to always have a book with me weather or not I would read it. I just needed to always have it with me in case a moment happened that I would need to read. It feels like a safety thing to me.
Okay back to what else to grab. I would find my adoption papers, well maybe? It seems like they are important but not as important as the daily needs. It isn't as if I look at it everyday or have an interest in looking at it often. It is a piece of paper telling me something of my history. It is also lacking in some information so I don't hold on too tight to it or feel a need to look at it often. I also am not sure how much of it is truth? My birth date is a guess. The year is dated a year later so I seemed younger than I truly was. A bone marrow test indicated me as being older. Also my adoptive parents thought I was so smart for being so young... my teeth gave away the actual truth of me being older even though I was pretty tiny. Maybe I wouldn't keep those papers after all? Only if it had actual info to my biological parents.
I would consider taking some photos of when I was growing up. Along with some photos of me in the orphanage that I do want to keep and have. I already got rid of tons of photos that I didn't want to keep.
My computer would be something to get because it does connect me to the world. Of course it allows me to access my blogging page. Maybe it is something that is a bit superficial but I want it cause it is important to me.
I think that is it? Wow, it is hard to figure out the important physical stuff. The things that I mentioned seems important to me. I feel that throughout my moving as a youngster and living on my own I have few physical things that are of a high priority of what is really something that can never be replaced?
I have witnessed how physical things have seemed important to my adoptive parents. How money and things buy you "people". I was bought. Things were given to me as a way of saying here I know I couldn't protect you from a life of facing racism so here is some gift to say it instead. "Rage, you never ask for anything from us so here is some money." Is how it has been stated to me. I didn't want the money. I wanted hugs, I wanted discussions, I wanted memories of parents that loved me and accepted me fully for all of who I am. My adoptive parents love me, They care about me, and they want me to be happy, I am but I am also hurting deep inside because I have so much confusion about who I am in this world and I don't know how to be in relationship with them when I feel they can't fully see me or accept me for who I truly am. I can't speak for them. I also don't want to make them out to be these horrible people. They are not, they are amazing parents to their biological children, I have witnessed this and known it for a long time. This is why I am ready to reach out and heal myself so I can help others heal also.
I am Indian, I am a lesbian, I am a woman of color who grew up in an all white community, I am strong, I am one who speaks the truth and will share it with you, I am sensitive, I am caring, I am loyal, I am scared to be deeply loved, I am healing me.
Okay so I completely strayed from the fire... I guess in a way, this talk creates a lot of fire inside me. I know there will be plenty of me talking/sharing about my adoptive family. It was what felt really true to me as I am writing this. It is the things that bother me that I haven't fully addressed but am working on.
Here is something bringing back the relation of fire for me... I have a scar on my outer right wrist closer to my hand. It looks like a burn mark. I have no idea what happened there? I know I came over with the scar. I also have a scar near one of my eyes in the corner and one on my lower lip, looks like I could have bit thru my lip? Hmmm? Not really sure about those? All I know is I also had those when I came over. I do sometimes wonder if my amma was supposed to be set on fire and she happened to be holding me when they tried? Or maybe I just happened to get too close to fire. I do have a fascination with fire!
When I was younger I used to have reoccurring dreams about sitting in the middle of a burning kitchen sitting on a square wooden table. I see a man who is trying to get to me or maybe just watching over me. In this moment I can't remember the rest but it was always interesting to me how the dream kept coming back. I don't remember the last time I had that dream? It just always stuck with me because of the fire piece.
Okay this is long... I will let you all injest this... What would be important to you to bring if there was a fire?
The report is that a dozen homes have been damaged or burned down completely. Some people were at their homes and were evacuated and able to grab some things that were valuable to them. Pets, photos,
social security card, important documents. Others were trying to make it back up to get these valuable things from their homes. When I think about this fire and the damage left behind I feel bad for the people who's homes were burned down. Ganesh, what do you do when you know there is a fire approaching and you only have so much time and room to grab things that are valuable?
I have a bicycle for transportation, so It would be my bag that I have on my persons daily, which contains my coffee mug, (non- spill-able), my wallet with social security card, (it happens to be laminted because I once worked some place where I could laminate cards thinking this would be the best card to laminate only to read after wards that it says right on the back "do not Laminate") Well if I get "sent back to India" we will all know the real reason why! My license and debit card are also in my wallet. A few dollars for the bus, some farmer's market bucks, and a couple of random business cards, along with my own for post partum doula.
Also in my bag is my journal, a book, a budget book, a couple of pens, small bottle of pills for headaches, band-aids, small bottle of lotion, I- pod and some other small odds and ends. Oh yeah some trail mix for when I need some fuel. This brings me to realize how I am a person who likes to be prepared. You never know how long you may have to wait for a bus or just need something? I used to always have a book with me weather or not I would read it. I just needed to always have it with me in case a moment happened that I would need to read. It feels like a safety thing to me.
Okay back to what else to grab. I would find my adoption papers, well maybe? It seems like they are important but not as important as the daily needs. It isn't as if I look at it everyday or have an interest in looking at it often. It is a piece of paper telling me something of my history. It is also lacking in some information so I don't hold on too tight to it or feel a need to look at it often. I also am not sure how much of it is truth? My birth date is a guess. The year is dated a year later so I seemed younger than I truly was. A bone marrow test indicated me as being older. Also my adoptive parents thought I was so smart for being so young... my teeth gave away the actual truth of me being older even though I was pretty tiny. Maybe I wouldn't keep those papers after all? Only if it had actual info to my biological parents.
I would consider taking some photos of when I was growing up. Along with some photos of me in the orphanage that I do want to keep and have. I already got rid of tons of photos that I didn't want to keep.
My computer would be something to get because it does connect me to the world. Of course it allows me to access my blogging page. Maybe it is something that is a bit superficial but I want it cause it is important to me.
I think that is it? Wow, it is hard to figure out the important physical stuff. The things that I mentioned seems important to me. I feel that throughout my moving as a youngster and living on my own I have few physical things that are of a high priority of what is really something that can never be replaced?
I have witnessed how physical things have seemed important to my adoptive parents. How money and things buy you "people". I was bought. Things were given to me as a way of saying here I know I couldn't protect you from a life of facing racism so here is some gift to say it instead. "Rage, you never ask for anything from us so here is some money." Is how it has been stated to me. I didn't want the money. I wanted hugs, I wanted discussions, I wanted memories of parents that loved me and accepted me fully for all of who I am. My adoptive parents love me, They care about me, and they want me to be happy, I am but I am also hurting deep inside because I have so much confusion about who I am in this world and I don't know how to be in relationship with them when I feel they can't fully see me or accept me for who I truly am. I can't speak for them. I also don't want to make them out to be these horrible people. They are not, they are amazing parents to their biological children, I have witnessed this and known it for a long time. This is why I am ready to reach out and heal myself so I can help others heal also.
I am Indian, I am a lesbian, I am a woman of color who grew up in an all white community, I am strong, I am one who speaks the truth and will share it with you, I am sensitive, I am caring, I am loyal, I am scared to be deeply loved, I am healing me.
Okay so I completely strayed from the fire... I guess in a way, this talk creates a lot of fire inside me. I know there will be plenty of me talking/sharing about my adoptive family. It was what felt really true to me as I am writing this. It is the things that bother me that I haven't fully addressed but am working on.
Here is something bringing back the relation of fire for me... I have a scar on my outer right wrist closer to my hand. It looks like a burn mark. I have no idea what happened there? I know I came over with the scar. I also have a scar near one of my eyes in the corner and one on my lower lip, looks like I could have bit thru my lip? Hmmm? Not really sure about those? All I know is I also had those when I came over. I do sometimes wonder if my amma was supposed to be set on fire and she happened to be holding me when they tried? Or maybe I just happened to get too close to fire. I do have a fascination with fire!
When I was younger I used to have reoccurring dreams about sitting in the middle of a burning kitchen sitting on a square wooden table. I see a man who is trying to get to me or maybe just watching over me. In this moment I can't remember the rest but it was always interesting to me how the dream kept coming back. I don't remember the last time I had that dream? It just always stuck with me because of the fire piece.
Okay this is long... I will let you all injest this... What would be important to you to bring if there was a fire?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labor Day...
Today is Labor day! I am laboring today... sigh... hmmm, I am laboring because I know if I were to take this day off my finances will keep me from possibly having the next labor day off? Ha haa?
What exactly is Labor day? Am I supposed to continue to capitalize the l in labor? I think yes, cause it is a holiday. I have found some info on the world wide web about Labor day and why we celebrate it... basically it is another reason to celebrate with friends the end of summer is what I am understanding. If you want to find out more look it up yourself.
When I think of Labor day it makes me think of birth labor... how could I not I am a post partum doula? I think of how I was labored at the very beginning of my life and how no one really has any memories of it, maybe cellular ones but nothing that they can recall to you word for word.
I am sure you are wanting to hear my birth story now huh? Okay, I will tell you what I know... Nothing really. I know nothing of my birth story. It sucks to not know, it feels like a void in my life. I have also some days realized that I have come to terms with not knowing my birth story. I have lots of questions and wonderment about it. Did my amma (mother) get to hold me after I was born? Where was I born? In a hospital, home or spice field like where the orphanage said they found me? Was my achen (father) there with my amma? Did he even know that I was going to be born, that I existed? Was I not supposed to be born and was hidden from everyone? Did people know my parents were to give birth to me? Endless questions flood my mind and heart. Part of me wants to know and part of me understands how buried it is and may not surface again. Ever!
I can't seem to agree with that. I want to know. I want to hear the story thru my amma's eyes, thru my achen's eyes. For now I just know that on some day at some point I was brought into this world. I believe there was a lot of love surrounding me and keeping me safe. A lot of love that wanted to see me make it and survive. It would have been amazing to see who that love was coming from? I see it sometimes when I look in the mirror and there is a face that seems familiar yet far away and strange to me.
I feel it so deeply when I think about returning to India for a visit. Other times at moments when I am eating some amazing south Indian foods that transport me to a whole other realm and time. I feel like I want to stay and bask in that realm for a really long time. As if I didn't get enough time there to begin with.
Hmmm, well okay it is maybe time to bring this to an end?
What exactly is Labor day? Am I supposed to continue to capitalize the l in labor? I think yes, cause it is a holiday. I have found some info on the world wide web about Labor day and why we celebrate it... basically it is another reason to celebrate with friends the end of summer is what I am understanding. If you want to find out more look it up yourself.
When I think of Labor day it makes me think of birth labor... how could I not I am a post partum doula? I think of how I was labored at the very beginning of my life and how no one really has any memories of it, maybe cellular ones but nothing that they can recall to you word for word.
I am sure you are wanting to hear my birth story now huh? Okay, I will tell you what I know... Nothing really. I know nothing of my birth story. It sucks to not know, it feels like a void in my life. I have also some days realized that I have come to terms with not knowing my birth story. I have lots of questions and wonderment about it. Did my amma (mother) get to hold me after I was born? Where was I born? In a hospital, home or spice field like where the orphanage said they found me? Was my achen (father) there with my amma? Did he even know that I was going to be born, that I existed? Was I not supposed to be born and was hidden from everyone? Did people know my parents were to give birth to me? Endless questions flood my mind and heart. Part of me wants to know and part of me understands how buried it is and may not surface again. Ever!
I can't seem to agree with that. I want to know. I want to hear the story thru my amma's eyes, thru my achen's eyes. For now I just know that on some day at some point I was brought into this world. I believe there was a lot of love surrounding me and keeping me safe. A lot of love that wanted to see me make it and survive. It would have been amazing to see who that love was coming from? I see it sometimes when I look in the mirror and there is a face that seems familiar yet far away and strange to me.
I feel it so deeply when I think about returning to India for a visit. Other times at moments when I am eating some amazing south Indian foods that transport me to a whole other realm and time. I feel like I want to stay and bask in that realm for a really long time. As if I didn't get enough time there to begin with.
Hmmm, well okay it is maybe time to bring this to an end?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Welcome...
Hmmm, what IS this blog about?
I have decided that it is time to reach out to the rest of the world and start my own blog... This blog is about my story and sharing it with others and welcoming others stories. I want to be honest and open. I am not really one to hold too much back. I would like you to get a glimmer of what I think about, what my dreams are and how I want to heal myself so I can heal others also.
I was adopted at the age of three from Kerala, India. I want to share my story. I have shared my story many times when I was not ready to or wanting to. I will share my story soon. I have some more to share with you about who I am as a person. I am a person of many dimensions. I am adopted, I am queer, and I walk in between many worlds.
There are lots of dreams I have of being able to reach out to other adoptees like myself. I want to make a documentary on my journey back to India as an adult with a voice and being more aware of what it means to be adopted.
I am pretty sure there will be some things in this blog about adoption but there will also be stuff that maybe is completely random... so enjoy! Thanks for checking it out! - Reji
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