I have started 2 different posts already and I seem to be having a hard time submitting them. They don't seem to entirely fall into what it is I am wanting to say... I just need to keep up with getting my posts out. I want to do that but then I start to write and everything seems on the surface and not really worth blogging about.
I am going to start with where I am at... Tonight I had a visit with a good friend's girlfriend. This friend is so dear to me. She has helped me to understand so much more of who I am becoming. To be able to meet with my dear friend's girlfriend this evening was amazing. I am not using names so I will call her, foot or so... because she is a foot or so taller than me. :) Foot or so is someone who surprised me by her family structure. She is a sibling of adoptees. She has done her research on adoption and what it looks like to be a good support for a family member who is adopted. Wow, I am so blown away and happy to have had the time to connect and hear her story around adoption too. She has helped me to realize that it can be so easy to get stuck in my own thoughts and experiences around my story. I know and believe that everyone has a different insight and view. I guess when it comes to pain, no ones is truly more or less... Pain is pain and it hurts...
Ahhhh beautiful! It is an almost full moon outside. The rain has begun to fall.
I was recounting a couple of stories tonight to foot or so that I know I would love to blog about. I will at some point. For now I guess I am learning that my experience holds a lot of pain and confusion. Some maybe is pretty sensible in my own head, some of the pain just comes from my heart, and some from my soul. One thing that comes to mind for me is that I used to be able to take naps. I stopped at some point because I used to wake up and miss my mother... I can't tell you if it was my adoptive mother or my birth mother... I think it was more just the idea of a mother. The pain was so intense that it was hard for me to shake the feeling of missing this woman. I look back now and realize that I am angry that I missed being raised by my birth mother. I am sad that I didn't have a mother who I could go to and crawl into her arms and have her just hold me and tell me that I am okay and lovable. That even though this is hard I will be okay. My adoptive mother would have probably done that for me if I had gone to her, but I choose not to. I didn't know if she could hold that space for me. If it was okay to talk to her about how I wanted to know my biological family. Adoption issues don't go away. It is something that stays with an adoptee for a life time. I know that I am an adult now and I can live my life the way I choose to. It is hard to remember that when the times of remembering come creeping back and I can't get out of my body memory to understand why it hurts so bad to not know...
I am at a place in my life where I am not communicating with my parents because I have so much anger. I don't know what to say to them? I don't know how to be anything else other than who I am. I can't be anyone else and I can't keep putting myself in positions of vulnerability just to try and save what I think is supposed to happen just because we are "family". I feel I have tried over and over again. I feel that there is just a little bit too little that has happened and now it is too late.
I feel a sense of abandonment once again. Fuck! That hurts, is confusing and leaves me feeling lonely. Only this time I am the one who is abandoning them. I am doing it to protect myself from any further hurt I may be exposing myself to from them. I feel like they sometimes don't really know or understand when they do hurt me. I can list a lot of things but it does no good to go thru a list of hurts here right now.
I know it is hard for someone to hold a space to witness anyone who is going thru so much pain. Sometimes just knowing someone is next to you and breathing with their arms around you is enough to help the pain work it's way thru. When I am in those intense spaces I feel I want to push that person away because I know it is a lot for them to witness and I fear that they will reject me because of what an intense place it is for both of us. At the same time I want them close to me because I don't want them to leave me. It's the times when I know I need to take some space to take care of myself. It can be really hard to ask for both. It's the push, pull dynamic. I am working this out.
I am going thru some intense changes. I am getting my ducks in order and making myself a priority. It feels empowering! It makes me feel annoyed that it has taken me so long. According to the sweet lady who has now named me bubblegum, . I am looking forward to starting now and making those gaps smaller and connect up so I can get to the place I want to be. Leaving anger behind and moving forward to be the light that shines within me.
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