I love the music produced by the group called Bombay Dub Orchestra. This music sings to my heart and makes me remember what my dream is...
It is time to make this dream a reality. I can't do it by myself anymore, I am asking others help me create this dream. I am looking for a person to help me document my return trip to Kerala as an adult with more awareness of what adoption really means. I would also love to get a book out about my story. I am also looking for ways and or ideas to fund this journey.
I am scared to expose myself so fully, yet I understand it is what is being asked of me. If this means others get to see the pain that I am going thru and have experienced then I will be honored to be naked and vulnerable so that you can heal too. Because I know I am a mirror for someone else out there.
I remember being a kid and thinking about how amazing it would have been to have an Indian adult role model to look up to and teach me the ways of Indian culture. I am talking about someone who was tangible and able to embrace me fully. I always felt a sense of being a fake or fraud because I didn't feel completely Indian, by way of not fully understanding some of the rituals or traditions that occurred. I felt like a sham when it came to the american culture that I was "adopted" into because I knew there was something noticeably different about me. Besides my obvious skin color. I knew things on a level that I can't explain why or how I knew them. I just did. Example is "my body is a temple, it is to be treated with respect. I didn't argue with the thoughts that came up I just listened to them.
I know I haven't mentioned my dream yet so I will do it here... I once dreamt that I was standing on top of a roof that I knew was my house in India. I was wearing a sari and the wind was blowing. ( I know, very bollywood style) I remember seeing myself looking happy and content knowing that I created this reality for myself and others. That reality was a home in Kerala where other adoptees from Kerala could come to and do what ever it was they wanted to do. Explore their roots. Search for their parents weather or not they actually found them. ( Not be told to just forget about it... or that they were given a better life and are much better off where they are.) I created a space where the community around the home and throughout the city embraced us adoptees. It was a home where we finally were able to feel free to just be ourselves and feel like we belong somewhere. We were finally part of the whole somewhere in our lives.
My other dream I had within that same week was where I was flying back to India for a visit. I was so excited and happy. I remember then having landed and was at a beach. I was crying really hard and felt so happy to be on Indian soil again. I reached down and rubbed sand all over me. I was crying because I was happy and so sad for having been away for so long. I felt all the moments of having missed India flood back to me on that beach. I was feeling such strong extreme emotions on that beach.
These dreams remind me of how important my work is to get back to India and really make this happen. I don't want my fears or insecurities keep me from this dream any longer.
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