A Fire started at 10:30 am yesterday. Since Last night at least 3,000 acres have been burned by fire! This is quite sad & devastating to me... It feels sad because this is my playground. It is devastating because all of those trees we need have been burned. There is smoke throughout the city. There is still a thick cloud behind the foothills. So thick now that you can't see the foothills to know weather or not it is still burning? My guess is that it is.
The report is that a dozen homes have been damaged or burned down completely. Some people were at their homes and were evacuated and able to grab some things that were valuable to them. Pets, photos,
social security card, important documents. Others were trying to make it back up to get these valuable things from their homes. When I think about this fire and the damage left behind I feel bad for the people who's homes were burned down. Ganesh, what do you do when you know there is a fire approaching and you only have so much time and room to grab things that are valuable?
I have a bicycle for transportation, so It would be my bag that I have on my persons daily, which contains my coffee mug, (non- spill-able), my wallet with social security card, (it happens to be laminted because I once worked some place where I could laminate cards thinking this would be the best card to laminate only to read after wards that it says right on the back "do not Laminate") Well if I get "sent back to India" we will all know the real reason why! My license and debit card are also in my wallet. A few dollars for the bus, some farmer's market bucks, and a couple of random business cards, along with my own for post partum doula.
Also in my bag is my journal, a book, a budget book, a couple of pens, small bottle of pills for headaches, band-aids, small bottle of lotion, I- pod and some other small odds and ends. Oh yeah some trail mix for when I need some fuel. This brings me to realize how I am a person who likes to be prepared. You never know how long you may have to wait for a bus or just need something? I used to always have a book with me weather or not I would read it. I just needed to always have it with me in case a moment happened that I would need to read. It feels like a safety thing to me.
Okay back to what else to grab. I would find my adoption papers, well maybe? It seems like they are important but not as important as the daily needs. It isn't as if I look at it everyday or have an interest in looking at it often. It is a piece of paper telling me something of my history. It is also lacking in some information so I don't hold on too tight to it or feel a need to look at it often. I also am not sure how much of it is truth? My birth date is a guess. The year is dated a year later so I seemed younger than I truly was. A bone marrow test indicated me as being older. Also my adoptive parents thought I was so smart for being so young... my teeth gave away the actual truth of me being older even though I was pretty tiny. Maybe I wouldn't keep those papers after all? Only if it had actual info to my biological parents.
I would consider taking some photos of when I was growing up. Along with some photos of me in the orphanage that I do want to keep and have. I already got rid of tons of photos that I didn't want to keep.
My computer would be something to get because it does connect me to the world. Of course it allows me to access my blogging page. Maybe it is something that is a bit superficial but I want it cause it is important to me.
I think that is it? Wow, it is hard to figure out the important physical stuff. The things that I mentioned seems important to me. I feel that throughout my moving as a youngster and living on my own I have few physical things that are of a high priority of what is really something that can never be replaced?
I have witnessed how physical things have seemed important to my adoptive parents. How money and things buy you "people". I was bought. Things were given to me as a way of saying here I know I couldn't protect you from a life of facing racism so here is some gift to say it instead. "Rage, you never ask for anything from us so here is some money." Is how it has been stated to me. I didn't want the money. I wanted hugs, I wanted discussions, I wanted memories of parents that loved me and accepted me fully for all of who I am. My adoptive parents love me, They care about me, and they want me to be happy, I am but I am also hurting deep inside because I have so much confusion about who I am in this world and I don't know how to be in relationship with them when I feel they can't fully see me or accept me for who I truly am. I can't speak for them. I also don't want to make them out to be these horrible people. They are not, they are amazing parents to their biological children, I have witnessed this and known it for a long time. This is why I am ready to reach out and heal myself so I can help others heal also.
I am Indian, I am a lesbian, I am a woman of color who grew up in an all white community, I am strong, I am one who speaks the truth and will share it with you, I am sensitive, I am caring, I am loyal, I am scared to be deeply loved, I am healing me.
Okay so I completely strayed from the fire... I guess in a way, this talk creates a lot of fire inside me. I know there will be plenty of me talking/sharing about my adoptive family. It was what felt really true to me as I am writing this. It is the things that bother me that I haven't fully addressed but am working on.
Here is something bringing back the relation of fire for me... I have a scar on my outer right wrist closer to my hand. It looks like a burn mark. I have no idea what happened there? I know I came over with the scar. I also have a scar near one of my eyes in the corner and one on my lower lip, looks like I could have bit thru my lip? Hmmm? Not really sure about those? All I know is I also had those when I came over. I do sometimes wonder if my amma was supposed to be set on fire and she happened to be holding me when they tried? Or maybe I just happened to get too close to fire. I do have a fascination with fire!
When I was younger I used to have reoccurring dreams about sitting in the middle of a burning kitchen sitting on a square wooden table. I see a man who is trying to get to me or maybe just watching over me. In this moment I can't remember the rest but it was always interesting to me how the dream kept coming back. I don't remember the last time I had that dream? It just always stuck with me because of the fire piece.
Okay this is long... I will let you all injest this... What would be important to you to bring if there was a fire?
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