It's been a long time...

   Wow!  I can't believe how much time has passed since I have last blogged... hmmm.  
   It is already almost the middle of November.  Crazy how the time just flies right by you.  I have been trying to take a different approach around my idea and views of who I am?  It's been a struggle at times and also rewarding at other times.  I am finding that I have entered into a sense of calm.  Yes, I am not communicating with my adoptive family.  Yes, I am trying to find out who I am without these people in my life on a regular basis.  
 My therapist asked me why I have to have parents?  That question was so hard to answer, yet it was easy and made so much sense.  We are all a product of two people or in some cases an egg and sperm forming a human being.  It takes two to tango!  This whole process is amazing to me simple yet so complex.  You know we all start somewhere from two lives.  In most cases we have a mother who gives birth to us... then we have a parent, parents or guardians who raise us to become adults.  Who do you turn to when you are an adult is my question now?  As an adult my understanding is that you are supposed to be able to turn to your parents to help you when you do want to be supported.  There is a new phase in the relationship between parent and adult child.  You see each other differently.  You're more on the same level.  You tend to understand your parents more because you see them as people too and not as rule enforcers or people who are trying to embarrass you.  This I want.  I am not sure that this will ever happen for me?  
   I have recently had a pattern pointed out to me that I was following... I am a tracker of when my parents contact me.  I basically judge or criticise them based on how long it's been since we last talked and then I withhold from them.  Is this a learned trait?  Probably.  Is it from my birth parents, the people in the orphange who took care of me, or my adoptive parents?  There are a lot of people to try and guess who this behavior has been taken on from.  I don't need to know excactly who it is from.  I just need to observe when I do it and change that behavior.  I know when I am in a relationship I have done it.  I judge and then withhold my love.  It's part of the push and pull dynamic that happens for me.  It's a time of me feeling so incredibly vulnerable and then being afraid, embarrassed or scared that the person won't be accepting of who I am or want to be with me after they witness my "flaws, or vulnerablities.  This is sooo frickin scary that it makes me sweat, my heart starts racing and I want to actually run from the situation.  I have learned it's okay to stay and not run.  It's actually easier to talk about the fact that I do want to run, and know that we can talk through it...