I have had the week off and it has been really nice. I have been able to get some solo camping in and really allow myself to feel and realize what it is I am feeling around my life. It's feeling pretty hard, confusing, sad and raw. I went home to visit my family in April since finding out that my dad has esophageal cancer. It's been a crazy all over the place ride. It's been challenging to figure out what my relationship is with my dad? I want to know that he acknowledges and recognizes me as his child and part of his family. I can say I don't feel lovable to him or that I feel like his child. I feel like it's a game of tennis where I am hitting him the ball and he doesn't want to participate. It hurts like hell! I hate feeling that pain and rejection. I am not sure what else to do. For now I continue to keep hitting him balls and hoping that maybe there will be one time he hits it back to me. It's what I do best, hold on to hope that maybe it will happen. I know it is exhausting me and I am growing so tired. My heart is wanting to harden and run the other way.
It feels hard for me to know that he is and has been missing out on my life. I see and have witnessed what he gives to others. I am jealous and sad about it. I am tired about hearing that maybe he just isn't a very affectionate man or doesn't know how to express his feelings. I know he can and I have seen him do it with my siblings. I guess maybe if I am to turn it around and see that maybe I just am too scared and am not capable of receiving it from him. Especially since he is now " leaving". It's an experience I know best in my core of wounds. The biggest rejection of my birth parents leaving / giving me away.
I wanted to make sure he knew that I loved him and thought of him as an amazing man before I left him in person. He was only able to say "the feeling is mutual". I have to believe that he means that it was too hard for him to express all that he wanted to say to me. That in turns sucks and is painful. I really would like to know what he thinks of me in his own words. I also would like to know why it's been so hard to have a relationship with each other?
At times I just shut down and want everything to be over. I know that we will never be close and that the relationship is what it is. I am a silent fighter in that way... I will fight and keep trying til I am truly too exhausted to try anymore, then I just as silently walk away to protect my heart from further pain. I am somewhere in between the fighting to keep afloat and the ready to walk away. I am not sure what else I can do. I have tried to reach out but it feels really hard. I also feel angry that I have taken space and when I come back there is an urgency to connect and care at max capacity. It feels hard because I didn't see or hear or feel like he was worried about me not being in their lives. I only recently heard thru my sister that he was wondering why I wasn't communicating? If he was so concerned why didn't he call me directly so that I was the person who knew this? So we could work on our relationship? This is where I feel angry and sad that he couldn't talk to me directly about it. It's as if I am not worth it, or that it is too hard.
I know that when I am feeling or being seen as too intense I feel a sense of rejection. I want to run and push that person away, because if they are not able to handle my intensity then they can't handle who I am and I don't want them in my life. It is a part of my life and who I am. Yes, I am intense, my feelings are big and intense and it is hard for me to contain them and hold them in. I want it to be okay that I am intense and that I will still be loved even though I am at in intense place. It makes me feel unlovable. I have to remind myself that I am lovable with all my emotions and feelings...
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